The Prodigal Son
by: Darryll Rice
The most difficult thing that I have ever had to deal with is my father's death. He was my inspiration, my go-to guy; I won't say he was my God on earth but he was who I looked to for everything. When I lost him in 2002 I was somewhat lost and misguided. To cope I turned to smoking weed, drinking, going out all the time and I really wasn't taking care of myself. I was under a lot of stress and nobody really knew what I was going through because I put on a fake smile and pretended that everything was honky-dory. In reality I was miserable, I was depressed and I was unhappy so I was at my lowest point after my father's death because I had no direction.
I use to tell people all of the time that I gave "God a shot twice." In my early childhood I began going to church with a neighbor and enjoyed it until I found out that the pastor was a "money guy." That turned me off and I stopped going to that church. From there I had a family member that started a church, my dad was a Deacon there and I was a Junior Deacon. A year or two went by and I overheard a conversation between my parents and my family member who was also the pastor of the church in which my parents were told that we were no longer welcomed and was being put out of the church. At the time I was 15 years old so that really rocked me. I wasn't supposed to hear that conversation but I did and when my dad talked to me about it I was hurt and confused. I thought that God welcomed everybody so how could they put us out?
Later on my mother started attending another church and I went along with her. At the time I had cornrows, earrings, wore baggy jeans and Air Force Ones to church. The pastor went to my mother "without saying a word to me" and told her; "don't let your son come in here again with those braids in his hair, earrings in his ears, those jeans on and gym shoes on his feet. So I got kicked out of that church as well.
So "Church Hurt" goes deep with me. I meet people all of the time that have experienced some form of Church Hurt of their own. I think too many people put the emphasis on the pastor and the people at the church that they forget that the reason that you go to church is to get closer to God. Some people tend to look at the pastor as a God and I've never been that way. So with my experience with Church Hurt there was always something in the back of my mind that made me wonder; "is this how God views his people?" I was looking at the pastors like "they know the bible and this is how they think so it must be how God looks at people."
Years passed and I dove into a lifestyle that is a complete contrast to the one that I'm living right now. It was a lifestyle of women, fast money, drinking, smoking and partying just about every week. I was living what the bible calls riotous living - kind of like the Prodigal Son. There was a void in my life and I didn't know how to fill it. I was so unhappy during that time in my life. I didn't know what to do what my life. I wasn't to the point that I was suicidal but I didn't care if I died so I was living each day as if it was my last.
Things changed when one of my friends invited me to church. I was hesitant at first because I wasn't willing to change how I dressed or how I looked so I feared being rejected again. My friend told me that his church wasn't like that so I went to one service and really enjoyed it. When I walked in there was a lot of people that knew me and knew how I was living at that time so they were like; "YOU go to church now?" That made me question if I was really that bad? So I was like "man, what's going on with my life?" I began to feel uncomfortable and I told my friend "I can't go to this church." He told me that it wasn't about what other people thought of me but about my relationship with God and not to give up.
One Sunday the pastor delivered a message that I felt was tailor made for me. He spoke about Church Hurt, the feeling of betrayal and people turning their back on you when you need them the most. The People of the Church acting as People of the World and The People of the World treating you better than the People of the Church. That resonated with me. That day I gave my life to Christ. Even then I was going to church every Sunday but still going home drinking and smoking and not fully committed to Christ and the Word.
One night I was watching one of Roy Jones' last fight and I got a call from my friend to come to the studio. At the time I was a secular rapper so I went without giving it much thought at all. I didn't know it but I was being set-up "in a positive way." When I got to the studio I noticed about ten people that looked exactly like me hanging around and I knew something was up because they were all looking at me. I asked my friend what was going on and he told me "we set you up, it's time for you to REALLY give your life to Christ." Another guy came to me and told me "this is about to be the first day of the rest of your life." He hugged me and said, "I love you, but no one loves you like God does!" I looked into his eyes and saw that he meant it. I saw the passion, the fire, the commitment. I collapsed and began to cry out. I told them that if I was going to do it I would need them there by my side every step of the way. That if I messed up I would need them to correct me, to support me and not to turn their backs on me. We finished the night with a prayer and I gave my life to Christ "for real" that night.
The Pressure to be perfect
This excited me. I was happy to be living. I felt a part of something, I had people that knew me supporting me. I began reading the word more, going to bible study every week and living the Word. We started a rap group called Jesus Or Bust, which means Jesus or die, and we lived by that; follow the word or die in your sins - that was our way of life. We put out an album in 2008 that was well received. It was an amazing experience. We put on one of the biggest concerts the city has seen in which we reached capacity and had to turn away 50-100 people at the door.
People began to identify me as one of "the Jesus or Bust" guys. I felt like I became somewhat of a local celebrity. Whenever I was out and someone saw and recognized me I felt like I had to put whatever I may have been going through on a personal level to the side and put the "honk-dory" smile on my face so I was like; "here we go again." The pressure to be "perfect" was becoming too much. People always expected to see me as "that perfect young man."
As time went on I matured mentally and spiritually. Some of my friends were getting married., moving across the country or doing other things and some were drifting away from the Word so my relationships with the people that I was the closet to was changing and I found myself alone. I took this as God's was of getting my attention, telling me that he wanted some "Me time" with me. So he took everyone from me. It was just me and God by ourselves. I was attending church alone so I began helping out the pastor, helping out with the youth ministry and just being a servant. I wasn't dating anyone at the time or doing much outside of church, I was solely focussed getting closer to God.
The pressure to be perfect was still there and I felt like people were watching me, waiting for me to fail and that hurt. I realize that I'm not perfect and so I didn't want people to shun me or turn their back on me when and if I was to make a mistake. I'm human so that's going to happen and that's when I need people's love, support and prayers.
I focussed on becoming the man that God wanted me to be. With that when the time presented itself and the right person came along I would be ready to become someone's husband and not just their boyfriend. God blessed me with a woman that is perfect for me. I met a woman that studied the same thing in school that I did, that was trying to get closer to God. We both had things happen in our lives that could have soured us on love, trust and life in general but we had faith in God and were blessed to meet each other and fall in love. We both are flawed and are far from perfect but we accept each other's flaws and we are perfect for each other. We are in this together for life.
The pressure is their in our marriage as well because I feel like people are waiting on me to mess it up and make the rumor mill. To do something that's going to jeopardize me being a good husband to my wife and father to my daughter and I'm not going to let that happen. I know that I'm not the "perfect guy" but I also know that I'm not a heathen. I'm a man that's flawed but I'm also a man that loves God. I'm a man that's been through the ringer when it come to church and dealing with people in the church. So I just want people to realize that God is the only one that I have to prove anything to. I live a great life, I love my life and I refuse to ruin it by trying to live up to the expectations of others.
Lately some people have felt the need to challenge or be combative to nearly everything that I post on social media. I understand that we all see things a little differently but why get on their and waste time worrying about me? I don't understand how some people get more joy in watching or hoping for other people's demise than they do in watching them succeed. The saying "hurt people, hurt people" is so true and there's a lot of people hurting.
Some people tend to only keep record of the time that you tell them "no." You can tell them yes a million times but as soon as they hear "no" come out of your mouth one time here comes the slander, the back-biting, the "I told you so's." They forget about all of the other things that you've done for them and never consider what you may be going through and focus solely on the "no."
Passion, Process, Purpose
When I accepted God's calling I honestly didn't know what I was getting myself into. I just knew that I was excited to be called. I've started a lot of things in my life that I haven't finished but when God called me... I have to finish this. Even though I wasn't prepared to be called I feel that God is preparing me as I go. God gives me foresight, he guides me along the way. I never thought that I would be able to break down scriptures and get revelations from them, I never thought I'd be able to pray over someone but with God's blessings I'm able to do those things.
There's a Three (P) Principle that I live by: Passion, Process and Purpose. Everyone has a Passion; something that they love to do and a Purpose their reason for being here on earth. People have to realize that they can't go straight from their passion to their purpose, you have to develop and spend time on the Process. That's the hustle, the grind... the hard work. You have to learn how to embrace it and realize that that's where the reward is hidden. That's where faith comes in.
I have a passion for young people, to see them do well and exceed. My process is dealing with the challenges and frustrations that go along with that and my purpose is to eventually have a youth center or place for young people to hang out in a safe environment and nurture them. Provide a place where they can just be kids and enjoy life.
Everything that I've been through is about me embracing the process of life. God will take things away from you to get your attention and when that happens you can choose to get bitter or to get better. I'm happy with where I am in life right now and I realize that it is not by my doing. God has blessed me. I could not have painted this picture any better. When I was younger my dream was to be a big rap star. Had that happened I would have missed out on the best things/people in my life. I wouldn't have met my wife. I wouldn't have my daughter and there's no way any of that stuff could make me anywhere near as happy as they do. God called me, he told me he needed me to help young people; the fact that God trusts me to make an impact on the mindset of our youth brings me great joy.
I don't live for "now." Now is going to come regardless. What does six months look like? What does five years look like? I personally believe that you have to live according to your own standards and your own goals. I try to get the young people that I work with to focus on that by challenging to be great because there's greatness in everybody, it just has to be unlocked. Life is beautiful and life is great but life is also short so you have to make every day count. Life should be lived to the fullest.